I need to give up a little control and trust myself. I have trust issues with myself, there, I said it. I've been obsessing over a number on the scale. I had reached a number on the scale that was nice and round and pretty and I wanted to be there again. Only because it's a number. My clothes fit great, I'm exercising more and I'm 2 pounds more than that pretty number. Two stupid pounds and I'm still struggling to be at a number. That's so destructive of me. At the same time that I know my body isn't happy with the way I'm taking care of it. I should be listening better, I haven't had a normal period in 10 months.
It took a friend who lives over 5,000 miles away from me and another who is my best support to open my eyes. I've been reading blogs and the advice about mindful eating yet I'm not allowing myself to do it.
I jumped off the cliff yesterday and I survived. I didn't count calories, I didn't obsess. I ate mindfully. I had my usual breakfast, made a balanced lunch and ate pasta with my kids for dinner. I ate slowly and enjoyed a good portion of green beans with the appropriate serving size of pasta and it was satisfying and yummy. I do admit that I eyeballed calories, especially when pulling out ingredients for my lunch. But, I trusted myself to enjoy my meal and not over stuff myself.When I tried to do this before, I found myself overeating as I knew I had room in my calorie budget for the day. I was looking for food to fill the control void I had created. I was so obsessed with the numbers in my calorie budget that I lost sight of the body fuel concept...
it was all about the numbers. I reminded myself many times today that I'm taking care of myself and my goal is to nourish my body, not to stuff it. I think I'm better equipped to do this now.
(on a side note, I took these pictures the other evening when Dude and I went for a walk at the beach while Dancing Girl was at dance class - such an amazingly beautiful evening)
Can I do it? Can I trust myself to take care of myself? I need to learn how to do this.