Day 10 of Mindful Eating.
Is it bad that I've been weighing myself? Yes. Especially because the scale keeps going up. I thought I've been doing well. I'm eyeballing my meals and filling up on veggies and high protein snacks and in general doing really well. I thought I was feeling good.
I can tell when looking in the mirror that there's a little more of me. I'm okay with that, I think. I know how much I need to almost starve myself to have that look in the mirror of a really flat tummy. I don't want to do that to myself.
I'm up 4.5 pounds from that skinny me. That's ok. I know that's ok. However, I don't know what to do with myself. I know my weight can fluctuate 5 pounds, I know I'm taking hormones for another week to bring on a period. I know that.
However, at what point is it too much? I'm having this mental discussion with myself that I'm exercising and making good choices so who cares what the scale says. My clothes fit. I keep saying that I need to give this some time. I need to allow the hormones another week and then to be out of my system. I need to adjust.
I can't resist the temptation of the scale. And then I see it went up .5 each day of the last 2. Really? OK, so maybe it's a normal fluctuation, but at this point I'm now up 4.5 pounds from my skinny me.
So, I'm struggling with telling myself that I'm caring for myself better this way. I'm mindfully eating and my estimations show that my eyeballing of meals is approx. 1,700ish calories a day.
Then, I go to the gym today with my workout buddy and I'm realizing how lost I am about how to maintain my goals. I've learned a lot from her but she's pretty obsessed with the numbers too. She's never had a serious weight problem, just baby weight and then 5-8 pounds of unhappy. During my mental discussions over the last few days, I've realized how her obsession with the number has affected my opinions of the numbers. I realize how unhealthy that is for me. There was more of the conversation today that really reminded me how easily we can skew our views of ourselves and how unhealthy it is to rely on a body image to make us happy. It's a big part of her life and I can't go there. However, am I denying it so much to myself to rationalize?
I have never been in this maintenance phase of my life, ever... I don't know what to do. Do I just go with the flow? At what point do I catch myself and say, "ok, that's enough, you need to cut back a few pounds?" What do you all do? I know I should allow myself the 5 pound fluctuation, but I don't know what number to start from. Obviously it's not that skinny me number.
I'm afraid to look up one day in the near future and see that I've gained 10 pounds.
I know I need to stop weighing myself. This weekend is going to be a hard one. It's Dancing Girl's birthday on Sunday and we've got tons planned. Then it's one more week of hormones. Do I do my best for the next week and avoid the scale? or do I watch the scale so that I don't overdo it. AAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm in such a funk. On top of that I took it out on myself and licked the cupcake batter bowl so clean it sparkled. And then because I kind of screwed up the batter I ate most of one cupcake to make sure they were ok. Really. At least I know now that they aren't fabulous so I won't feel the need to eat another one this weekend. But they weren't so bad that I had to go get another mix.