I'm still working on how I got to have a weight problem. I know now how to manage my weight and how great I feel when I'm healthy. But that doesn't answer the question of how I got here. I'm at a point where I feel like I need to understand that history in order to come to terms with it and not allow the history to repeat itself.
When I was little, I was really small. Up until puberty (probably 8th grade), I was the smallest in my class, very petite. Not that I'm such a big person now (I'm 5' 2 3/4" - those fractions are important at my height). When I hit puberty, I grew a bit and my appetite changed and I'd say my metabolism slowed to a crawl. At the same point in time, my parents got a divorce and my mom had many of her own problems to deal with and I was instantly expected to be much more responsible. My mom had been a stay at home mom and went back to work. I was faced with a lot of choices as far as food goes and wasn't prepared. I started having a few problems in school and my weight crept up on me.
My mom sent me to therapy. Part of the problem with that was that the therapist was also my parents' therapist and he already knew everything. I was at that age where I needed my own space, but I didn't know what to do about it. Thinking back, I think I was holding in a lot of issues in order to help my mom out and not burden her with my problems. Although I think I didn't allow myself to acknowledge my own problems either.
My weight became an issue over the next few years, I think at that point, I was about 20 pounds overweight. My mom was hypersensitive to the issue as my dad had a family history of obesity, although my mom is petite and has always managed her weight. Before my senior year in high school, I joined Jenny Craig. I lost probably 20 pounds, but gained it back when I went to college a year later. I never had a serious boyfriend in high school, although I'm not sure if it was because of my weight or my general hesitancy with boys and late-bloomer kind of personality, probably a combination of both. I had lots of friends, was on the Drill Team, so I didn't have a totally terrible childhood. There were problems and conflict between my divorcing parents and the money problems that come along with that.
When I went to college, I did everything wrong in the first year. Kind of like my attitude with eating. I was given so much freedom in my freshman year, I made lots of bad choices. I wasn't accountable to anyone and skipped classes and failed tests and all that. When my first semester grades rolled around, my dad sat me down for a serious chat. I had to change my ways or he wasn't going to pay my tuition. It took me the next 3 years to pull my grades up to a decent level and get a grip on what I needed to do.
I haven't realized until now how similar my attitude towards food was to my experience my first year in college. When I was exposed to many different food options, I'd just take them. I'm rather surprised my eating didn't lead to a much larger weight gain. I remember a time when a friend and I would buy a whole coffee cake at the store, go back to my house and eat it. I had the attitude that if the food was out there, I could eat it.
Even now, that's my weak spot. When I've worked out and know I'm going to have a surplus of calories in my day, I feel the pull of the temptations. Whether it's fast food, or baked goods at the grocery store. I calculate all my options in my head and wonder where I can stop for some food. Mostly I'm learning now to take my butt home and eat there.
My weight problem is my own fault. It is compounded by my inability as a younger person to understand the balance of life. My goal in this healthy lifestyle is to maintain balance... everything in moderation. I'm trying to pass that lesson on to my children. We recently were at a party for an activity that they had. Before we arrived, I told them both that I didn't want to be checking in with them regarding their food choices and that we talk enough about how to make sure they balance their choices and enjoy the treats after they've also eaten healthy options. They did well.
My mom doesn't have the same food weaknesses that I do and she didn't know how to teach me to deal with my personality related food problems. It took me 38 years to figure that one out for myself.